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Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:00 am

so...im kind of at an impass here... i put this in the hall of elders in hopes of this being taken seriously

so, my life...is very simple, i work, i come home, i get on my computer, i eat dinner, i watch anime, i play games, but i live with my girlfriend, we have NOTHING in common, she crochets, and reads romance books. neither of us are interested in what the other does. we have been together for 7 years, living together for 1.5

she is very....depressed and worried about all kinds of stuff all the time
im very carefree, pretty mellow, im hardly ever depressed, i completely avoid stress (although, like now, it seems to find me)

we both stress differently,
  • she worries about the littlest things, and always wants to know if there is anything wrong with me and tries to take unnecessary stress upon herself all the time.
  • when something hurts (physically or mentally), or is pestering me, i ignore it till it goes away or just power through it. if it doesnt go away, ill factor it in. again, i avoid stress about minor things. (this is usually due to safety nets i place ahead of myself all the time)


as far as romance, im very passive, i dont want to water it down with over affection, but thats what she expects. she think im thinking deep all the time but...im not

and.....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! idk what to do, i wish i could find someone better suited to my personality, but...its so hard for a guy to find girls that like him, let alone one that shares the same intrests, LET ALONE BEING SINGLE on top of it all...

i really dont know what to do, i cant post this on the other forum i frequent as close friends are on it and im kind of in my shell about all of this.

idk where to start this dicussion....umm...what is the status of your relationships (those of you in one) how did you find your other 1/2?

i feel that being a MAN who like anime, and basicly only listens to vocaloid puts me at severe social setbacks. and even if i DID find a girl and not tell her i like anime, i cant find your hobbies being something you dnot tell someone. if you plan to move in and live with someone one day, you kinda gota put all your cards on the tabel up front, and if she rejects you, it wasnt worth your time anyway as it would have ended in failure anyway.

one of my secrects about joining this forum? i secretly wished i could have found a girl who lives nearby, and likes anime and playing video games...but this isnt a dating site.

oh yea, about anime, watching DUBBED anime, is a social setback within itself, so many dubbed haters


sorry....just...respond however, i feel like blowing my brains out just to avoid the whole "breakup" thing and ugh......i dont want to breakup, i just want her to be what i want her to be and im sure she feels the same. but im
STRONGLY
opposed to pretending to be someone your not for the sake of your significant other, coming home to a relationship shouldnt be another chore

Neutral sorry about this post, you can lock it if you want to Neutral

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Re: Relationships

Post by Blazer on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:05 am

My advice: Be who you are. That's the only way to have a healthy relationship. It doesn't really matter how similar someone is. It depends on the individuals on how a relationship will go. If the significant other cannot appreciate you for who you are, then you can do better. (not hating on your girlfriend or anything)

Interesting to seek advice from us on this site...knowing we should all be clinically enrolled..

Disclaimer: My advice is simply my thoughts on the matter. If a being decides to follow the advice, they assume all risk and liability. :3

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:17 am

^ofc, im just looking for opinions, and i know theres alot of single guys here, im really curious about the men and women who are in relationships here. and dont worry about "hating" our problems are mutual, neither of us is the way we want each other to be and while she expects me to change, i would never realistically expect her to.

im am scared though, its easy for a normal, attractive girl like her to get a guy, but an average joe (my name, ironicly) who is of regular body build. with social handicaps like anime and video games makes me really....scared, i feel like

if this falls out, ill never get back in one, but on the otherhand, considering her happiness, and my overall enthusiasm, i feel like it shouldnt be. not to mention the problems that come with living with someone and shit like that goes down

and i dont belive what anyone says that "looks dont matter" THEY DO! its the VERY FIRST impression, before you even open your mouth, alot of times, being overweight or whatever can say alot of things about you, whether those assumptions are right or wrong. not to mention sexual life, i feels awkward to bring it up as i know females will be reading this but. men are visual people, when it comes to sex, its better if we like what we see. and im sure females are the same, im sure any girl would like to see a man with a 6 pack over a man with a gut. but that can always be fixed, in an effort to better myself, iv been going to the gym for a few months now, im quite determined

also, idk if i cant date a woman who smokes anything...its just gross, i feel like i can get past alcohol if i must, but as long as they drink responsibly. i dont drink/smoke/drugs so, thats where those qualms originate


Last edited by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:23 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Relationships

Post by bedheadred on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:18 am

I am a divorcee. I was married for almost ten years with one child. Although we had things in common in the beginning of the relationship, we strayed from each other drastically as time went on. There were lots of other issues too, but I think the lack of interests was the overriding factor. I believe most relationships fail over time because the individuals involved have become individuals instead of a unit. You have to consciously work at being a one throughout the entirety of the relationship. This means picking up collective hobbies and interests.

I suggest you find something at least weekly to do together. It needs to be something new that neither of you have done before. Take up karoke, line dancing, cooking classes, hiking, etc.

If once you've made a concerted effort to bring closeness back into the relationship and you still feel disconnected, then it is time to part ways.

I think we can all relate to this situation in one way or another, so don't feel bad. Having unpopular hobbies makes you less desirable to the general populace. At the same time, having a niche interest like anime can make it easier to find potential mates. For example, if you were to put up a profile on a dating site and searched "anime" you would find a couple potentials. If you typed in "music" the results would be overwhelming.
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Re: Relationships

Post by Deathfire123 on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:24 am

I think as simple as it is, Blazer's advice is very mature. Be true to yourself. Don't try to be fake but don't forget to be understanding. If you want to share interests with your girlfriend, try and find an activity you both might enjoy.

I know this might sound kind of blunt but, if you don't think you are going anywhere in your relationship, it might be better to end it. If you feel nothing for your significant other, there's no need to stay on a sinking ship.

If you really do love each other but just find it hard to communicate, you could try sitting down with her and just expressing your point of view on certain situations. If she loves you, she'll understand where you're coming from, and the same goes for you understanding her.

Side Note: I have a friend who seems to be similar to your girlfriend, and she's just very selfless and puts everyone before her. Maybe your girlfriend is just trying to put your needs above her own by asking if there's anything on your mind. She might be just as worried about your relationship as you are.
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Re: Relationships

Post by Colme on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:28 am

DemonEyesJoe wrote:we have NOTHING in common

You need to end it. If there is nothing there and nowhere to go you need to put and end to it before things escalate in one direction or the other. I can't imagine it would be easy, given how long you've been together and her depression, but ease into it and work your way through and out.

DemonEyesJoe wrote:as far as romance, im very passive, i dont want to water it down with over affection, but thats what she expects. she think im thinking deep all the time but...im not

If after seven years she doesn't know well enough what's going on inside your head, she won't ever, and that isn't good. You want someone who understands you, of course.

DemonEyesJoe wrote:i feel that being a MAN who like anime, and basicly only listens to vocaloid puts me at severe social setbacks. and even if i DID find a girl and not tell her i like anime, i cant find your hobbies being something you dnot tell someone. if you plan to move in and live with someone one day, you kinda gota put all your cards on the tabel up front, and if she rejects you, it wasnt worth your time anyway as it would have ended in failure anyway.

I hear you, but to be honest out of the people I physically know most of the anime fans are girls. Girls who like anime don't generally have a problem with guys who do. Otherwise, just look at anime as a genre of T.V. show you like in terms of hobbies, it hardly defines you overall. I wouldn't worry about dub-haters, I've never met a person who cared more about that than their preference in ice cream flavours.

DemonEyesJoe wrote:sorry....just...respond however, i feel like blowing my brains out just to avoid the whole "breakup" thing and ugh......i dont want to breakup, i just want her to be what i want her to be and im sure she feels the same. but im
STRONGLY
opposed to pretending to be someone your not for the sake of your significant other, coming home to a relationship shouldnt be another chore

All I can tell you is to quit while your not further behind. Being good as friends might be a clique line, but if you've stuck it out for seven years you hardly need to cut each other loose abruptly.

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:34 am

but working minimum wage makes it kind of hard to do weekly things, not to mention i pay rent and a car payment, and other things.

and those dating sites cost lots of money, and im not single so doing so makes me feel like im cheating, and i dont want to cheat

and she is VERY worried about the relationship, we just had a talk and she had a good cry in the shower and i feel like i could cry (on a 1 to 10, its a 6) hence the creation of this thread.

also...i dont want to move in with my parents and...i still want to kill myself, i feel like i need a female friend, but oh yea, thats right, i have a GF and, from talking to other girls, girls dont want to hang out with guys who have girlfriends...so, basicly, my options are, stick it out and die a slow death, in which i would survive and she wouldnt, or, move out and break up, in which case ill be eternally depressed and she will have a new guy within a week

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:36 am

IDEALY what would be best for both of us, is, if i found a girl, and was her friend, and we decided to take it to the....god, just typing this feels wrong. just THINKING about starting a possible relationship with a hypothetical girl feels awful

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Re: Relationships

Post by bedheadred on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:44 am

Woah woah woah
I say this with love and I am able to say this from experience...

There is your problem right there. If you aren't secure enough with yourself to be alone, then you aren't ready for any long term relationship. Being alone really isn't all bad as long as you have friends. You all make me feel so un-alone I don't fret being single.

Also, having someone else lined up is taking the easy road. I understand you don't want to hurt, but you always need time in between relationships to morn and reflect. Jumping into another will just case you more problems in the end.
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Re: Relationships

Post by Colme on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:47 am

DemonEyesJoe wrote:and those dating sites cost lots of money, and im not single so doing so makes me feel like im cheating, and i dont want to cheat

You don't need a dating site. It's a waste of time and money.

DemonEyesJoe wrote:IDEALY what would be best for both of us, is, if i found a girl, and was her friend, and we decided to take it to the....god, just typing this feels wrong. just THINKING about starting a possible relationship with a hypothetical girl feels awful

I don't think you need a girl either. You're not ready to be in a relationship until you're comfortable and capable on your own.

EDIT: Basically, what Red said.

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:52 am

dont get me wrong, i could survive on my own, it really is just that i strongly remember that feeling of loneliness i had throughout high school, and i dont want to experince that again.

she tells me all the time, if we broke up, i would survive becase (guess what, saftey net) im mentally prepared for a breakup, which, to a point, i am, but all the confusion and stress that follows such a thing. not to mention, iv been with this girl since high school, my whole "adult" life has been with her, it just feels awkward starting over.

idk....anyone wana skype? this would be easier....for the first time in a long time, i can 100% say, im depressed...and it sucks. i like being cheerful

its not the being alone part that bothers me, its the never being able to get out of it that im worried about

and what red said about feeling un-alone, i cant say i agree, i have physical friends that i hang out with....2 guys

on my facebook, there is 1 girl who likes stuff about anime, who lives remotely close to me, is married, with a kid, and only likes hispanic men, and shes 1/2 asian...i dont get it, but, its her preference.

as far as forum friends...i..idk, i like anime like i like my vocaloid, i love anime as the show, before i joined this forum, and having watched anime for X-many years, i didnt even know about the -dere's i watch the shows, i love the shows, and like vocaloid, i dont memorize every single vocaloid's name, i just love the music and the creative aspect of it.

also, back to the feeling bad about typing those things, its becasue im in a relationship, and, if you cant tell, im very devoted

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 2:35 am

god, i hate this feeling, i think im just going to sleep

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Re: Relationships

Post by Kaleb_K on Thu Feb 28, 2013 3:04 am

If I repeat some of whats been said by others I am sorry, but to me it seems like she is worrying because you seem distant. If you are in a relationship, and you don't show affection, than chances are, even with reassuring words, she feels insecure about you two. She is asking if something is wrong because she may fear that you have lost interest in here, and are distancing yourself. On the idea that a lot of affections waters down how meaningful it is, I just have to say, my parents have been married for 25 years this march, and still act like teenagers who can't control themselves. I am willing to bet if you shower her with love she will feel better, and stop asking if something is wrong all the time. If you do love her, you should strive to find something that you both are in common with as well. A sport, a concert or live show near by, some new restaurant you both want to try, or even putt putt courses. Love is not some easy thing, it takes a lot of work, and there are countless times when two people who could be happy together just get into the habit of not trying anymore and fall out of love with each other. Not to get on the weird side here, but last time I felt like things were going down hill with a girlfriend, little things really helped to renew our feelings, like a love letter somewhere she will find it when you aren't going to be home for a while. That one might help you out a little if you feel like being affectionate a lot makes it feel stale. Buy her something sexy to wear and bring it home (if she hates anime, keep away from the hardcore cosplay). You have to let the other know you are interested, and if you feel like she has lost interest in some way, don't be afraid to talk about it. If it comes to an argument, don't end up saying spiteful things, keep it on topic, and let them know you are just trying to resolve an issue (it's a tried saying, and old but don't go to bed angry either). I hope I've been able to help a little bit, some of the biggest issues can be solved with just a smile, and a few nice words or gestures. Good luck man!

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Re: Relationships

Post by Kaleb_K on Thu Feb 28, 2013 3:14 am

bedheadred wrote:Woah woah woah
I say this with love and I am able to say this from experience...

There is your problem right there. If you aren't secure enough with yourself to be alone, then you aren't ready for any long term relationship.


She is right, it's not about surviving on your own either, it is the fear of not being alone. You have to have the courage to face being single before you can have the strength to maintain a relationship, because, when you fear being single as much, or more than loosing the person you are with, it is a self serving mentality you are building the relationship with. It isn't fair to the other person if you are with them just to feel like you have a companion, it diminishes their qualities, and WHEN they find out (because there is no if in these situations) they feel less important, and become more likely to get discouraged when it comes to you. I'm not trying to accuse you of this, I'm just agreeing with Red's statement and saying why I think it is true, a relationship has to be equal, full of understanding, and you have to communicate, because that is the only way the other person knows what is going on , and can try and figure out how to help you.

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Re: Relationships

Post by Paper Tiger on Thu Feb 28, 2013 9:11 am

I have a question - if y'all truly have nothing in common, then how did y'all end up together in the first place? And in high school no less! Just think about it for a sec, in this day and age where social networking in all shapes and sizes is all the rage, how can two people who have absolutely nothing in common manage to stay together for so long, and even move in and live together? It simply makes no sense, ya know? I suggest that you try to remember what brought y'all together way back when, and then you reexamine the current situation - is that thing still present, or can it be restored?

If answer is no, then you may really wanna consider ending the relationship. To make it easier to justify this to yourself, think not of the short term misery immediately after the breakup, but of the long-term happiness you both stand to gain later. Or, if you so prefer, think of the long-term misery that is sure to come if you stay together w/ someone whom you don't consider a good partner in life.

As for moving on, it's not as hard as you may be thinking now. It may seem scary to put and end to everything you're so used to, but it's a whole lot scarier when some external factor does it for you. Point is, if you gotta do something, do it while you're still in command, cause once things spiral outta your control it's pretty much the proverbial hell on earth for you. And once you're there, moving on is dang near impossible.
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Re: Relationships

Post by Blazer on Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:23 am

I think red touched on a good topic about insecurity. (not to be mean or anything) Insecurity sounds like it could be the root of your problem. Why do you need to have a another friend who is a girl? Why not a male friend? Just have confidence in yourself.

I want a plain and simple answer, what are you afraid of? I want a clear voice from you and not just speculation.

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 12:40 pm

im scared of being alone, i dont really have many friends at all, i have a friend i hang out with and go to the gym with, and another who i hang out with but BOTH will be getting new jobs soon. so thier time tables will differ from mine alot

in the past iv ALWAYS gotten along with women better then men, although i was always "friend zoned" i was ok with that. Men are into cars, and guns, and drinking, and stuff like that (around here anyway) so its very difficult for me to connect with men. at work im very well liked, but i wouldnt consider any of them my "friends".

im also, mostly really scared, if there was a breakup, all the crazy stuff that follows. do i try to keep the apartment on my own? do i move back in with mom (thats an appealing thing for a single guy) what about all my stuff? maybe i can get a high-paying job...but how long do i have until my money runs out? the bed is hers so i guess ill sleep on the couch. what if we break up but still live together? that cant be good at all....

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 12:56 pm

Kaleb_K wrote:If I repeat some of whats been said by others I am sorry, but to me it seems like she is worrying because you seem distant. If you are in a relationship, and you don't show affection, than chances are, even with reassuring words, she feels insecure about you two. She is asking if something is wrong because she may fear that you have lost interest in here, and are distancing yourself. On the idea that a lot of affections waters down how meaningful it is, I just have to say, my parents have been married for 25 years this march, and still act like teenagers who can't control themselves. I am willing to bet if you shower her with love she will feel better, and stop asking if something is wrong all the time. If you do love her, you should strive to find something that you both are in common with as well. A sport, a concert or live show near by, some new restaurant you both want to try, or even putt putt courses. Love is not some easy thing, it takes a lot of work, and there are countless times when two people who could be happy together just get into the habit of not trying anymore and fall out of love with each other. Not to get on the weird side here, but last time I felt like things were going down hill with a girlfriend, little things really helped to renew our feelings, like a love letter somewhere she will find it when you aren't going to be home for a while. That one might help you out a little if you feel like being affectionate a lot makes it feel stale. Buy her something sexy to wear and bring it home (if she hates anime, keep away from the hardcore cosplay). You have to let the other know you are interested, and if you feel like she has lost interest in some way, don't be afraid to talk about it. If it comes to an argument, don't end up saying spiteful things, keep it on topic, and let them know you are just trying to resolve an issue (it's a tried saying, and old but don't go to bed angry either). I hope I've been able to help a little bit, some of the biggest issues can be solved with just a smile, and a few nice words or gestures. Good luck man!

i love all the things you have said here, my parents are a bit different and i guess is the reason for my unshowing affection, they love each other, i know they do, but they dont exactly show it, but you can tell (well i can) i wouldnt say she hates anime, but for her shes entirely dependent upon me for it, she asks me what to watch, she doesnt adventure at all. she also only watches it when i am, and i usually watch it after shes gone to bed.
again, money is kind of tight right now, trying to plan a week to the beach in may with a friend of mine and his gf, going to NC. i like the passive love you suggested, i guess you could say im very shy about my emotions, even though i love her, its very hard for me to express it, almost to the point where i DONT WANT to, when shes not around, i talk good about her all the time, when she is around, im kind of cold to her. (dont get excited here, i said from the start our problems are mutual, this is not all hers, or my fault).

iv actually asked this question on yahoo answers before, if you would like to see it...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmAb9c55MxtweY_o3D_CBCHsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20120612002923AAuHqCr

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Re: Relationships

Post by Blazer on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:20 pm

DemonEyesJoe wrote:im scared of being alone.

What do you consider being alone? Walk me through a day of your fear.

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:39 pm

no one around, no one who cares, i have my parents, but you know thats different. no one to cuddle with in the bed, no one to grow up and have a future with. no one to be someone so close you can share everything with

perhaps its more of a fear of lack of hope?

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Re: Relationships

Post by Blazer on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:43 pm

So you are scared of not ever having a significant other?

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:53 pm

put simply, yea

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Re: Relationships

Post by Kaleb_K on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:54 pm

I know how it can feel when you aren't used to giving or receiving that amount of affections, but if it is something she is craving, pushing past the embarrassment at first, and making her feel good will inadvertently make you feel better too. Particularly with words, everything think to say sounds so cheesy when I say it out loud, but my girlfriend loves it. You don't have to be super lovey dovey, but take some time out of the day, grab her, tell her she is beautiful and give her a kiss.

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Re: Relationships

Post by Blazer on Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:57 pm

DemonEyesJoe wrote:put simply, yea

I wouldn't use that as grounds to get into a serious relationship. That reason will put immense strain on the relationship and can cause problems. Insecurity is a cruel thing and can cause some major damage. Perhaps you could turn your insecurity or fear into something positive by talking it over with your girlfriend. If you can trust her with that, it's a step in the right direction. At least that's what I think.

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Re: Relationships

Post by DemonEyesJoe on Thu Feb 28, 2013 2:01 pm

could being in a 2 room appartment (bed room, living room/kitchen) be an issue here too?

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Re: Relationships

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